A Beauty Glorious

Dear Diary,

I still don’t know what Dad has to say. I think he and Mom must have talked, because now he stares at me in the weirdest way, as though he expects me to either sprout wings or horns and he hasn’t decided which.

I want my parents to believe me. They’re my parents; they’ve always believed in me. I hate the thought of going through this alone. But even if they don’t… I’m going to be okay. I have God on my side. He won’t leave me hanging.

And then there’s Joseph. I’ve been avoiding him. That was probably a really bad idea, but I don’t know how to tell him about any of this, the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing, and I can’t stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong. After talking with Mom, though, I realized I couldn’t put it off any longer. God was with me when I talked to her, and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph, too.

I’m going to go over to his house right after dinner.


LATER—

I don’t know how I’m going to get through writing this. I just used up a whole box of tissues. This is, without a doubt, the worst day of my life.

So here’s what happened. I bumped into Joseph about half way. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and for a second he kind of took my breath away. Those strong, tan woodworker’s arms, the quick smile, those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up… I remember thinking, Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot?!

As soon as Joseph saw me, he wrapped me up in a big hug. He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust. He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he’s been, and he missed me, and is everything okay… and all I could do was hug him tighter, because I didn’t know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth.

I finally pulled back and said, “Joseph, we need to talk.”

He said, “Is it about the honeymoon? I know I said we couldn’t afford the beach, but I know how much it means to you so I worked something out so we can spend the whole week there—”

How sweet is that?! That’s so much just like him. Always trying to go above and beyond to make me happy.

“No, it’s not about the honeymoon, but I have something I have to tell you, and I’m afraid it’ll make you hate me, but it’s not what it sounds like so I need you to hear me out all the way through, because I love you, I love you so much, do you believe me?”

I realized I was crying and babbling, which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing, but at least it had gotten his attention. Joseph took my face in his hands and said, “Of course I believe you. I love you, Mary, and nothing you can say will ever, EVER make me hate you.”

So of course I kept crying and hugging him some more, clinging to him while he stroked my hair and I gulped for breath. Then finally, I whispered into his shoulder, “I’m pregnant.”

Immediately, I felt him tense. He froze with his hand in mid-stroke. He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before. It was like stone, and it scared me. When he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse.

“Who?”

“God.”

Joseph blinked. He stared at the ground, a heavy frown engraved on his brow. I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of every second.

“Please say something,” I whispered.

“Mary.” At his whisper I opened my eyes. “What was it about me that wasn’t enough?”

“Nothing!” I took a step forward. “I love you, Joseph, and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you. An angel appeared to me, and at first I could hardly believe it myself, but it’s true. This baby is sent straight from God. He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel. I have been chosen, Joseph.” I felt the tears leaking out again.

“Hundreds of years of waiting and you expect me to believe the Messiah has come to you?” Joseph shook his head.

My heart fell. You’d think my own husband-to-be would believe me!

“I’m sorry, I know how it sounds, I just—” I was babbling again

Abruptly, he took my face in his hands. They were warm and rough. “No no no, listen, listen—I love you, Mary, and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth. I promise, it will all be okay. So please, just tell me—what happened?”

Oh, Joseph! My heart melted and I thought about giving in. I could just tell him it was a boy from school, or a soldier passing through town. I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine. It would be so easy. Joseph had promised to forgive me. He would protect me, and marry me, and raise the baby as his own. Maybe that’s what God intended all along.

But—no. NO! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me. I could not deny what he had done. I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie!

Even if it meant losing my fiancé.

I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. “I just told you what happened.”

Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me. My face suddenly felt cold. He stood with his back to me, his strong hands clasped behind him. “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” I could hardly get the word out.

He nodded, and his voice turned formal, but he couldn’t hide from me the shaking underneath. “I’ll keep my promise, Mary. I could never hate you. But I can’t marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me.”

I stood staring at the ground. “I understand.”

He hesitated, said, “I’m sorry,” and then he was gone.

I don’t know how long I stood there. All I know is that by the time I turned around to walk back home, the sun had fallen behind the hills.

God, why?? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much? Before all this happened, it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle. I didn’t ask for anything more. Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away? He was the best thing in my life, and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone, as a single mother? God? I trusted you, and I stayed true to you, and this is how you repay me?



Matthew 10:38-39