Diary of a Pregnant Virgin #9

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Dear Diary,

The past week has been horrible. It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me. I don’t know how to trust him right now, but I know it my gut that I have to. It’s the only thing I can do. Joseph’s gone, my parents are half-convinced I’m crazy… the only one I have left is God. Except it feels like he has also deserted me.

GOD! You can’t do this to me. You have no right. Aren’t you supposed to be taking care of me here? What about all that “plans to bring you a hope and a future” stuff? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future? This isn’t what I signed up for. As a matter of fact, I didn’t sign up at all!

I wanted to just marry Joseph, live in Nazareth close to my parents, have kids someday, and basically live a normal life with the man I love. Then that first day when you chose me, I knew it would change everything, but… not like this. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I just don’t understand. I know that you have a plan, but I feel so lost not knowing what it is. Can you at least promise me—and I mean PROMISE ME—that it will all be okay?

Can I still trust you? Can you heal my broken heart? Can you still use this mess?

I keep saying I trust you, but I’ve reached a breaking point, and I’m not sure anymore. I do want to trust you, though. I really do. If anyone in the universe deserves my trust, it’s you.

The honest truth is: I am scared, confused, and just plain lonely. God, I need you again. I need you like I did that day in the field. I need you to help me trust you. Give me faith.

I don’t know how to do this right now… but maybe trust is a choice, not a feeling.

So right now, God, this is me making my decision. I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you’re doing. I don’t get it, but I trust that your plan is better than mine.

God, you are good. No matter what, you are always God and you are always good. I love you.